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By Mell La Valley 18 Sep, 2017

If you have visited my website, Melllavalleylmft.com , you know that the concept and practice of mindfulness plays an important role in how I work with clients as well as in my own life. This article, “Why Some People Get Burned Out and Others Don’t”, blends the concepts of emotional intelligence and mindfulness beautifully. Here is a summary, enjoy.


Kandi Wiens and Annie McKee, the authors of this article, identify that stress and burnout are not the same, and that stress often leads to burnout. It is possible, they say, to manage stressors in a way that safeguards one’s self against this, and that the key is tapping in to your emotional intelligence.


In a study of chief medical officers at 35 large hospitals conducted by Wiens, it was determined that despite reporting extremely high levels of stress, the majority were not burned out. Interviews with the chief medical officers revealed that the commonality regarding managing stress was emotional intelligence.


Research has suggested that emotional intelligence “supports superior coping abilities” and aids people in managing chronic stress and preventing burnout. There are various components of emotional intelligence that promote this:


  • Emotional self-awareness is the ability to understand the sources of negative emotions so that alternative responses can be considered. 
  • Self-management involves remaining calm, in control, and acting appropriately when experiencing stress.
  •  Conflict management skills promote problem solving rather than internalizing conflict. 
  • Empathy can aid in stress management through the seeking of understanding that often leads to increased care for others.  
  • Compassion can also combat the physiological effects of stress. 
  • Finally, increased understanding of others’ perspectives helps us gain trust and improves our ability to influence others. This translates to the ability to get the help needed to manage stress before it results in burnout.


Wiens and McKee point out that people engage in all kinds of maladaptive ways of dealing with stress. They offer the following suggestions for leveraging one’s emotional intelligence in order to avoid burnout:


  • Don’t create your own stress by dwelling on future events that might be stressful. Be mindful of your perfectionism or high need to achieve, which can make you more prone to being the source of your own stress.
  • Be aware of your limitations, know your strengths and weaknesses so that you can be aware of what you may need help with. Ask for help when you need it.
  • Breath deeply when tension or anxiety increase. Mindfulness practices address both immediate stressors and longer-term challenges, such as decreasing your heart rate in the face of stress and lowering your tension level. While calling attention to your breathing may be challenging at first, “attention is the ultimate act of self-control." For more about this see my post about the benefits of breathing .
  • Consider another way to look at the situation. Viewing something as a problem to be solved versus perceiving it as a threat can have a profound effect on managing the stress attached to the situation.
  • Deescalate conflicts by taking the other person’s perspective. Conflicts can contribute significantly to burnout, so managing them can be crucial. Asking questions, listening, and giving your attention by focusing on someone can help gain their trust and improve your ability to influence them.

Practicing and using emotional intelligence can prevent burnout. Be patient, forgiving, and kind with yourself while developing these skills and remember that it will take time and effort to improve.

By Mell La Valley 08 May, 2017

There is much talk about the benefits of breathing, beyond the obvious of just staying alive. Meditation, yoga and martial arts instructors, psychotherapists, medical doctors and those involved in the fields of brain science espouse the mental, emotional and physical rejuvenation, healing, relaxation and focus that breath work can bring. (There is a definite reason why Joc Pederson, centerfielder for the Dodgers, breathes the way he does when at bat).

I want to share two breathing exercises I have found extremely helpful in dealing with stress and anxiety. I have run across numerous variations. However, this first one presented by Dr. Weil is very explicit in its execution. This breath exercise is apparently a very ancient one and seems to have been passed down with specific instructions.

#1 The count of 4, 7 and 8 is the key element and should not be changed. How fast or slow is not the emphasis in this exercise.

 Inhale for 4 counts. I practice diaphragmatic breathing. Dr. Weil did not emphasize this, nor did he say NOT to do this.

Hold for 7 counts.

Exhale for 8 counts. The way the exhalation is done is very important: Place your tongue behind your front teeth. Breathe out blowing around your tongue so that your lips are pursed. Make a whooshing sound.

Do this 3-4 times, 3-4 or more times a day.

I have been doing this for about 8 weeks and I can honestly say that I am aware of an overall sense of calmness. It is very important to do this every day, though. Dr. Weil stated that if done regularly, in time you will experience a positive difference in how you respond to stress.

#2 This works well for those who are visual.

Imagine there are two vertical balloons that stretch from your lower abdomen up to your collarbones. As you inhale, imagine you are filling these balloons up from bottom to top. When you exhale, imagine and feel these balloons empty out from top to bottom.

The count with this one is inhale for a 4 SECOND count, pause, and exhale to a 5 SECOND count. Do this 10 times.

In both exercises note that the exhale is longer than the inhale. This promotes relaxation. Also, the mindfulness required to do these inherently promotes relaxation and focus.

Keep it simple. Do it often.

Happy Breathing!

Mell La Valley, LMFT

By Mell La Valley 13 Dec, 2016

I often wonder why most of us are so hard on ourselves. Why we barrage our brains with negative thoughts, self-criticism and harsh judgments about our thoughts, actions, decisions and even about our feelings (I shouldn't be feeling this way). In my experience as a therapist, and more importantly, as a member of the human race, we tend to be more forgiving and accepting of others, for those same things we are apt to heavily condemn ourselves.

Perhaps there is some nobility in settinghigher standards for ourselves but on the other hand, it is highly incongruent. And ultimately it promotes and reinforces the false believe that we are separate.

I love this quote by Thich Nhat Hanh: "We are here to awaken from the illusion of our separateness." No matter your spiritual orientation, or lack thereof, it is undeniable we are all of the human race. We share similar thoughts, feelings, needs, wants, dreams, and goals and perhaps most importantly, the undeniable need for connection. What I believe is forgotten is the need for self-connection. So what does this mean?

To be connected to oneself is to experience integration of mind, body and soul - to acknowledge and own our thoughts, feelings and actions. And here is the key:  In a gentle, compassionate, nonjudgmental way. Easier said than done for sure. But what if we habitually spoke to ourselves in the same way we would speak to and support a friend or family member who may have made a "mistake"? What if we showed ourselves the same love we show others we care about?

I, for one, am committed to doing just this. And in so doing I am contributing to the wellbeing of my fellow humans.

Self-love and compassion is not selfish. It is selfless.

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